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I have been reading a lot of Fan Fic lately, it's always going and coming in circles, sometimes I read a lot, other times I don't read anything at all.

And yes, I have been blind, totally, truly blind because I didn't read K/S stories until now. This is far more interesting assuming I always knew what they are one of the greatest (and most famous) pairing of all times. And there is some well written fic, some amazing art and even an album called "Genesis".

But back to the topic - I can read almost everything, every detailed non-con, every gruesome torture scene, every gut-wrenching emotional conflict - but I won't read character death even if it is canon.

I think this started when I was really young - maybe thirteen years old - when I was into the X-files and everything was about Mulder and Scully. And I read my very first character death fic then - and I cried. I cried a lot although it was badly written and not good at all. (In fact it was a cheesy rewrite of a plot that occured in German daily soap - yes. That is true.)

And I couldn't stand it.

1. I don't like endings. I don't like saying goodbye. I know that everything, every friendship, every moment is just transitory. But FanFic is supposed to be our little sandbox where everything is supposed to be the way I very well please.
Yes, that means amazingly working relationships, that means love, that means peace and getting old together.
(And yes, that means really hot sex too.)

And I really don't want to read about the things I encounter every day. Bad communications, people who don't talk, who will never mend fences, like death and no one who cares.

(I am a med student - I get close to people. Really close. And I let me get close. And I like my personal life, my family, my friends the person I am becoming - my professional life exhausts me sometimes.)

I don't want to read that. Really. And right now I am pissed at myself because there is this beautiful epic story by Killa called Bitter glass and I know it will me simply amazing. And I can't read it.

And I think fannish observations are far more important than discussions about marathon training or my dissertation.

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Oh, yes I am sitting on beach, with a good book in my hand and waiting for the next ferry to arrive.
The sun is shining, I am trying to smile again, and everything is going to be alright.

Yes, I have had an awful day today, it wasn't okay, I am not okay, but I got up and I am walking again. Thanks to my Mom who made my day with the image she created for me.

I am in love. Desperately in love with someone who doesn't know if he wants to be in a relationship or not, or to be more precise he doesn't want a relationship at all right now. And it hurts like hell.

And I could gladly live with it if it was something I did wrong. If he didn't like me, if I wasn't beautiful or smart enough, if it was something that has to do with me. But it doesn't. It's about him and I can't do anything. Except sitting on a beach and waiting for him. And I will do that.


Mar. 15th, 2010 10:50 pm
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Don’t you dare stop believing

I am currently writing my first novel-length story which isn’t fan fiction, and actually it’s my first original story I am actually writing and not just deciding on ideas that could probably turn into stories when I have the time to actually put them together. It’s a great experience, and I love every piece of process, because I write. Because I eventually like what I have written this is something that didn’t happen for a couple of years. Me, not being a brilliant writer, but a rather decent one, I think I really have a chance to do it. It’s not going to be the best and most intelligent and elaborate and far-fetching novel ever, of course it’s not although it deals with a rather interesting subject, and there definitely are interesting characters and I like the story.

And even if I only finish that one just for me, just to prove that I am capable of writing a novel, well, that is enough. There is only one thing I’ve ever wanted to do, the first thing I remember about something I really needed to do; writing. Even as I hadn’t even learned how to spell I wanted to write. I was four, or five, or maybe even three years old. I think that means something, in German, my language, the most beautiful language of all even if it’s a complicated, overly-disciplined and oh so precise (concise) one, there is a word for it I really love: bezeichnend. You could translate it as predetermined, but it’s not exactly the right choice of words it’s more like a mixture of characteristic and predestined, but in a neutral tone.

And the reason why I am telling you this now? Why I am telling me this now? I just tried to read the annotated version of my favourite fan fiction (Freedom is just another word for…) ever and I realized that I didn’t want to read it. That I didn’t need to read it because I made up my ideas in my head a long, long time ago, I know the ways to understand that story, I understood it as well as I can the first time I listened to it. And I want to understand it my way.

And don’t want to be told what the author (here, the great and amazing synecdochic) wanted to imply, wanted to convey and intended to make clear; that’s as if you’re unwrapping something that is prettier of you look at it from various directions and still notice different things every time you look. Feels as if you’re told a secret that spoils it for you, takes away the magic, the understanding and the picture you have built in your head. I don’t like that.
Moreover I don’t want that, and then I realized that this is something writing, reading and literature is about for me, it’s about a picture, a beautiful framework and a story that everyone can and should interpret for himself, that everyone is supposed to understand differently, like a mirror and everyone sees a different colour, a different texture, a different shade of grey. That a story, a novel, a poem, a song, a movie, a touch makes us discover and unravel ourselves, to get to know things. To broaden our horizons, to understand, and embrace.

I want that. I once wrote a post about who I am. I started the post with. “I am me. And I want to understand.”

Maybe this is how it works for me.
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I read a lot of Fanfic lately, it’s still coming in circles, sometimes I read everything I can get hold of and actually like and sometimes I don’t read anything except the books I need to read for University.
So I rediscovered Auburn and her amazing storytelling, tried to make my way through the SGA Big Bang stories and didn’t succeed although I did like most of the stories I tried to read. And I listened to a lot of podfic, I am a passionate runner so I share my miles with these stories (No, no one else wanted to go running with me, everyone complained that it was too cold and yes, there was a lot of snow.)

And I realized that I still like powerful stories dealing with difficult subjects, stories that aren’t easy to read, almost impossible for me to bear. (i.e. “Your Cowboy days are over” and “Legion the things I would give to oblivion”.

I mean, do I want to listen to a story where you give up your memories to be kept safe, do I want to think about that you are your memories and do I want to watch John fall apart because he gives up things he shouldn’t. And his son is a wraith and that was one of the things that really scared me.

Personally I like podfic, I like that someone paces the stories for me, forces me to listen because when I am reading I am so fast that I often miss a lot of the really important things because I want to know what happens next so badly.

In addition to that I think you need to reach a certain age to really enjoy slash because I clearly remember being sixteen and find the idea of slash totally disgusting. (That was when everyone was writing Jack/Daniel which is something I like but I am still not that fond of, different era, different point of view and the world of a fifteen-year-old intertwined with it.)
Right now, I followed a lot of old discussions dealing with that subject. Quite interesting, even the Freudian point of view, yes, we envy the boys of their penis. Personally, as the laid back person I essentially am, I think it’s just fun, we just explore a different point of view. And that’s great.

So, not anything substantial I am posting here except a few fic recs and some minor observations. My life isn’t that interesting, well except for the days when we have to examine dead people who committed suicide in the morgue where it just isn’t appropriate to be sad or shocked or scared, where everything is supposed to be appropriately dignified. And all you want to do is to grab your friend’s hand and tell them that you don’t want to be a coroner. Ever.

Or the days when everything is just boring where you walk in the snow, go to school, draw your lap partner’s blood, analyse it and have fun. It’s not really that interesting.

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I know why Stargate Atlantis has been cancelled…

Synecdochic once wrote a brilliant post about why she and Atlantis broke up and I didn’t agree because I could still enjoy the show even as I considered that she was basically right. (Yes, it’s annoying but she is always right.)

No, I decided that I still liked my series, I love the characters, I love the idea the series has been built on, a story about discoveries, adventures, personal losses and friendship still is something that really appeals to me, it satisfies my curiosity and my sense of wonder as well as any series can and I was happy with that. And I also could happily ignore the flaws and some decisions that were just wrong to me and my moral standards considering that a prime directive not unlike it is used in the Star Trek series protects other civilisations and therefore makes sense. (Yes, Shepherd, I love you when you state that you all are peaceful explorers from Atlantis but sometimes you endanger species that don’t need to be endangered. And sometimes this makes me roll my eyes.)

Actually I intend to concentrate on the last season because I just watched it on DVD (Yes, I am slow, I am a med student, I don’t have a lot of time to do these things so cut me some slack…).
And I am fairly disappointed because it seems to me that there are just a few good ideas like Rodney suffering from a disease not dissimilar to Alzheimer’s disease and being someone who just clings to his self it’s an amazing character show although I would have told the story straight forward, not in retrospective, because I think that diminished David Hewlett’s heartbreaking performance and intensity, I just would have liked to give him more time to show us what Rodney is going through. And I didn’t like Jennifer, but I never liked her.

A part from that I really liked Vegas which surprised me, but I think that the idea was good to begin with and it was well-done, great pictures and a different atmosphere which I liked, and yes, Rodney taking John apart is one of the things I really enjoyed, because well, it felt real and John seemed really broken while I got the impression that Rodney didn’t want to hurt him but had to in order to succeed. Well, pure gold and love. No need to mention that I am a slasher though.
I also liked John Shepherd the solitary man which admittedly is something I have seen before, estefee wrote “Fair Trade” and there was a scene in which she considered him being solitary man.
But it made me cry.

I actually hated the way they got rid of Elizabeth and yes, Enemy at the Gates was just stupid and I don’t apologize for using this word, because I don’t believe in wormhole drive if it isn’t introduced to me well maybe a few episodes before they actually use it because they have to save earth and risk being vaporized. Well, that’s a beautiful choice isn’t it?

The good thing about his episode was Amanda Tapping, I always like her, I think she is just glowing, has charisma and lights up a room. But I am not going to think about what that might say about this episode.

I think season five is a disappointment, an epic failure, to use this words, and I will tell you why; I always got the feeling that there is enough potential, enough good ideas to do it right, to be courageous and brave and try it the other way, something we haven’t seen before, something that really makes you want to watch it, but instead they just did it ordinarily, lacking the courage to try it differently, different perspectives, a different style and even more sophisticated storylines which would have been that difficult to achieve.
So it’s like a car crash, you need to watch although you know you shouldn’t.

Hm, it doesn’t make me sad because I have seen that we are able to do awesome things with these setting and these characters, I have read so many different and beautiful stories and that really does comfort me.


May. 10th, 2009 08:52 am
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So, I seem to have an account now which was an interesting journey because I really had a problem with the whole pay pal thing, it took forever to verify my bank account.

And I am really happy that I got my nickname, really didn't want another one. A part from that I am just looking around, trying to figure things out.

Well, you need to see the new Star Trek movie because it's awesome, it's funny, interesting, I really liked to see the characters being young and energetic and not quite the persons they are going to be.

And it wasn't even stupid, well, I wouldn't say it was really intelligent and well-thought either but it was okay, I didn't want to slam my head against the desk or something like that. I mean yes there were some scenes I just thought were ridiculous, but I didn't expect anything else because it's Star Trek and I am really nitpicky. It is so much fun, don't want to spoil it for you, I really enjoyed Leonard Nimoy being there, well, he is really old now (was it just the make up or is he that old?) but it made me want to get up, salute, greet him with "life long and prosper" because there are no words to describe what I felt.

The young actors were good, I liked Zachary Quinto best I think. He was really truely Spock in all his gestures with his face, even the way he walked. Just amazing to watch.
Great movie.

Go, watch it...

So, my time is up, seems I have to take care of the more important things like the anatomy of the brain now.. ;)



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